Some of you more intelligent souls may hate me for it, but I love watching Britney "The Baby Bruiser" Spears ruin her fool life.

I, of course, am speaking of "Matt Lauer Made Me Cry: Mrs. Spears-Federline Edition."

I laughed. I laughed. God how I laughed. The general implosion of the career-slash-beauty of this obviously peroxided blonde in daisy dukes has me nothing less than positively riveted.
Jarring from the first second, it appeared the richest 23 year old on earth didn't brush her hair, wear anything remotely flattering, or even consult a mirror before being interviewed on THE MOST WATCHED NEWS MAGAZINE SHOW IN AMERICA. Does she not care? As if all that weren't enough: She preggers. So totally very impregnated with white trash sperm and cheetos dust. I implore you to find the trashiest looking girl on the block. Now, add a baby belly. That alone ups the garbage quotient by 400Àapproximately. Now put her in an embarrasingly tit baring top, leaning over, violently chewing gum, flapping her flip flop against her dangling heel. Sweet Virgin, I'm speechless over her!
I say nothing, but "!!!??" appears over my head.
This is not a pop-princess: This is a Target cashier in Boring, Kentucky on her smoke break, talking on her nextel two way with Joey-Bob, her brother-cousin, wondering whether daddy is gonna come home tonight with KFC, or will be blow the week's wages on Wild Turkey, shotgun rounds, and bats for beating fags, as he so often does.

Most are happy just to watch her cry (uglily, might I add), buy another USWeekly, and laugh again next time she throws her baby off an escalator, but I truly wonder: what made her this way??
Rich, pretty, vaguely talented, she is (was) the American Dream. Dating the male version of herself, things seems poised to go on in the same fashion for another 5 years or so. Alas, Justin somehow found an even dumber blonde to fuck, the prettiness fades every second, and the vague talent...well..it's vague.

She's alluded to the fact that her mother was somewhat over-protective, but I, for one, vote for MOLESTATION. Come on now, we never see her dad, never hear about extended family members, and Jamie-Lynn, The Sister-Clone, is safely holed away on her own Disney Channel show. Brit-Brit married early (let us not forget the 2001 52 hour Vegas nuptials), and then married early AGAIN, to what can only be described as a doomed human being with a goatee. I've read more than my fair share of memoirs, and anyone who marries and spawns so early was escaping less-than-wholesome family problems. Drunk daddies, drugged up mommies, touchy uncles, they all but shove a girl into the arms of an innapropriate man. Bruised babies and cut-off jeans simply come with the territory.

Perhaps, as a whole, America should be gentler with our former Queen? For a young lady doesn't slit the very wrists of her professional career just for a doomed human being with a goatee.

I imagine that some time in the 2010's, charms long gone, Mrs. Spears Federline Cruise Jolie-Pitt Terwilliger, finally alone, (save for her 6 kids) will, at long last, release the autobiography of the century, "Oops, I Dropped My Baby Again". A heartbreaking story of how she should've just NOT cheated on Justin Timberlake, NOT made a tv show about what a sex starved hooker she is, NOT starred in a movie that 3 people saw (John and Michael Hernandez, Tivoli Economu) and maybe, just maybe, spent her money on a publicist instead of 3,000 pairs of cowboy boots. I am convinced it is these things (especially the boots) that put her on the path to becoming un-kempt Mansion-Trash.

Also? Through the entire Dateline interview? She had a huge clump of mascara over her right eye.

Gentler with her? A mizundastood young girl? My ass, Matthew Lauer! Kelly Clarkson is WAY cooler than this bitch!

Britney Countdown to Career Death:
147 Days: 17 Hours: 58 Minutes: 24 seconds.