Well. Upon digging through unnamed "drafts" leftover in my Yahoo account, I came across the below "Year End Recap" which I apparently a) wrote while drunk because I do not remember it and 2) is pretty freakin funny.
I give it to you here, unfinished and only marginally spellchecked.
Knowing that I have to tackle this entire year makes me feel like I have been given the task of eating an entire tiramisu. Which, while entirely doable by the likes of me, still makes one a little more than uneasy that perhaps one might become violently ill.
Anna Nicole Smith deathwatch '07 kind of gets us all going. We're in a TMZ sort of mood, and the psychotic ramblings of an overused blonde with implants never tire. Britney had just ended the year with a nap at Pure in LV, and some sought her comeback in that adorable way she wore entire sweaters, without pants, (and nothing else, you see.) and other such class moves. Lost was back, and our nation turns our hungry eyes to Sawyer.
Yes. January filled a country with a certain kind of hope.
And half the world texts the other half of the world that Anna Nicole = dead. It was ridiculous. People were in the kind of disbelief residents of the 1960s reserved for Moon landings. As if that fiasco weren't fucking enough...
The head shaving. Need I elucidate? Before that even occured, she traded outfits with a Go-Go Dancer (as I try to ignore the fact that straight clubs actually have said artists).
BESIDES the fact that this month was dominated with news on the how when and why of Anna's Death, and the BabyDaddy trials...
Now, let me go out on a limb here and name February 2007 the most sensational month EVER!! I'll admit, thinking back on flipping on the news at 2am and seeing...live....footage...of...bald...Britney...
Think about it! BALD!
It fills a body with a certain tingle! "Where were YOU when she almost walked into traffic!" our kids will ask!
**note, it is at this time I went to PerezHilton to relive those carefree skin head days, and got sucked in for 30 minutes. Excuse a lady while she fixes a sandwich and recharges, as we havnt even BEGUN this month yet...
The hair was put up for sale on Ebay!
Tom Brady knocks up his old ol lady! Not the biggest, but I'm pretty sure men worldwide were privy to gossip news for the first time in 200 years. A football player who fucks a supermodel, and impregnates someone who looks like she could be a supermodel. I'm pretty sure I heard a slow-clap start for Tom sometime around Valentine's Day.
Also. That whore from American Idol. She's naked? or something? Is that show even about singing?
Somewhere between the immovable forhead of Paula and the unsettling chest hair of Simon lies a program about talent, right?
Oh yeah, the Oscars happened sometime around then also. I am only reminded because American idol somehow penetrated that holy orifice as well.
Congrats, Jenny Hudson! Haven't seen you since. Tell Eddie his brother is funnier.
Let me begin March by saying: K-Fed was still Mr Spears at this point? They hadn't been separated for, like, eons by then?
Now then, let us reflect on a figure perhaps since forgotten. Were it not, in fact, for this patron saint of the clitoris, March would've been out like a Lamb indeed!
This month she: Vowed to go topless in a movie, got out of rehab, forgot to go to veteran (and wonderful) director Robert Altman's funeral, but sent a sorrowful statement VIA BLACKBERRY, showed some wicked side, front, and under boob, possibly screwed Jude Law in the last days of his hotness, hit everything with her car, and dyed her hair blonde.
Nothin compared to Whitney though. Remember her?
God is this over yet?
Suri Cruise is born! And yet remains three months away from being proven real. ..............WAIT! Thats 2006.
Lindsay still dominates at this point and gee, I kinda miss that kooky kid! She sure was...kooky.
Her Myspace got hacked, and people retreat in droves for Facebook. There's some vague lesbian missives involved, but who could possibly care? The object of her sapphic love looks like one of the blonde Hobbits on meth.
And one of my favorite stories, which I completely forgot about: Scary Spice's Eddie Murphy baby! Remember how bitchy he was? Like damn! One wonders if she was a cheater and he was bitter. Or if, in fact, Eddie Murphy is an insufferable dick.
The world votes for the latter.
Twice in this post I invoke the affable spirit of Charlie Murphy, he who will save us.
Also, possibly my favorite Britney "Oops, I'm...so not cute anymore. At all." moment. She wanders around town in a white shirt with a huuuuge food stain on it, eerie dark nipples showing.
Stars! They're just like fat people with Diabetes!
Related: Turns out "Ho's" is an offensive term. Rutgers Basketball Team galled. Centuries old undead man held responsible.
Unrelated: Blonde gay man Baby Nicole Smith's daddy! World sort of pays attention, and then worries about the new Transformers trailer.
In her first public concert in three years, Britney Spears performed a 15-minute set at the San Diego House of Blues. In a wrap made out of the Bumble from Rudolph. Hundreds flock, and leave in snickering disappointment. Camera phones documents the unease.
Surprise of the month: Lindsay? Still a drunk. But fuck her, man. This is where the rumbling starts that Paris Hilton might go to jail. Like, real jail. Actual bars in front of her face, big metal locky sound, stern man with a whistle standing over her JAIL! America is so happy, it's almost like the time we dropped a big ol' bomb on a city or two and danced all over our War Bonds....
Wait. I think it might be better than that.
Anyway, THIS I cannot believe was so long ago: The Hoff yells at a hamburger. That's....kind of all there is to report. But you ALL remember.
It is here when I forgot which text editor I saved this damn thing to and promptly forgot about it.
Forgive a lady.
So. Sate yourselves with this the way we pretended the "Lost Chapelle" Episodes were almost good.