As always, my general and passing interest in the pseudo hipster volume that is The New York Times Magazine has made me angry. Not angry at The NY Times, of course. Even though they will probably back Hillary Clinton (again) and cause me to cancel my subscription (again) because she is a quacking bleeding heart with a vengeance agenda against her cum-gushing husband and the city of New York in general as she lobbies to have truck yards built in residential neighborhoods to "reduce Manhattan traffic" and...

Wait...Not why I am angry..

Let me put it this way: If you found out the Milk companies of America where involved in a shadowy and deep rooted agenda to get you, your friends, your children, and everything you love to buy milk, at any cost, for the rest of your life; if it is revealed that Big Milk was putting cancer causing bacteria into the cows, not caring because this bacteria also caused the ultimate drinker to come back for more; if, suddenly, the Milk scandal ran so deep as to cause a multi-billion dollar class action suit in every state; IF MILK KILLED YOUR MOTHER, what would you do?
You'd start dipping your lady fingers in soy milk, thats what you'd fucking do.

Instead, Americans, in droves of idiot millions, continue to actually cut their own throats open and pour delicious, carcinogeous white death milk into their tracheotomy holes.

I trust the point is across.

Now, the fact that cigarette smoke kills you is, of course, the knowledge of a fool. But what most fools don't know is that, aside from Anna Nicole Smith backed glamour drugs like Trimspa, etc, ciggs are the only mass produced, readily available drug (shut your fool mouth, it is a drug.) NOT regulated by the FDA. If milk came straight from the cow's boob, brown and steaming with cow love, would you drink it? (I don't know man, I'm really liking the Milk analogy too much, yes?)

Even less known is the fact that, once the mid 90s Big Tobacco Attack died down, nearly half the states in the union were suddenly promised settlement money from Phillip Morris. "Wrongful death" statewide suits and all. And what truly, truly sucks about that is not that Philly More got the sandbags, but that now the states are greedy for that money, which rolls in every year, meaning they won't back bills or suits saying that the Coffin Nails we as a nation so love should be FDA regulated, because that means Marlboros get sold like heroin through a crack in the door at the kew motor Inn, and the states? They don't get their money anymore, and they wants flowers around city halls and zoos filled with famous pandas and to knock down that ol' cracked up Liberty Bell to make way for a new WalMart god dammit.

An old balding man says pasta sucks and suddenly the US of A at large is eating bunless burgers by the truckload.

A slightly younger balding man yells at a woman for spoiling her kids and his books sell trillions.

The company that makes your Virginia Slims says, in statements, under oath, and on the INTERNET (where everything is true) that cigarettes will kill the user. That they are addictive, ON PURPOSE. That they set out to get you from age 10. But still you go get your loosey*.

Still you pay ridiculous taxes.
Still you blacken from the inside out.

If Parmalat executives came to your house and raped you, would you eat dry cornflakes the next morning?




*loosey: from the Ghetto speak for a single cig from the a-rabs at the bodega.