Oh, no no, that's ok Girls. You only set us back 75 years!
May I begin by heartily disclaiming: I am no feminist. Hold open my doors, pull out my chairs, and no cussing in front of my mom, you dig? No I will not go HALVES on a first date. You asked ME!
I mean, come on. I don't understand how the braless ugly girls got the men of the world to treat us like crap, but I am against it.
I, already, digress.
The task at hand is not to put down the "strong women" of the 21st century (You know, even dang Beyonce gets her man to buy her jewelry I MEAN DAMN.) but to sing praise to the up and coming boys.
Case in point...SHIA.
Anyone who's seen a movie in the last 6 months knows Shia Lebouf, former Disney slave turned box office powerhouse. Bless him, he's cute as a button. A jewish button, but still! All jew-froed...
He's 19. And have you ever seen his picture on Perez, dotty coke lines coming out his nose? Nope. Kid even grew up with a drug addict dad and hippie mom, and manages to stay in on Friday nights.
Can we give more money to him?
Case in point part deux: Seth Rogen.
Now, maybe it's a jewish thing (see: jew fro) but this guy, who looks about 30, is 24. And a comedic genius. He's WELL on his way to being a billionaire. He graduated AFTER me (a true mark of old: famous people are now younger than me.) yet got to make out with one of the hottest actresses of the year in one of the best comedies of all time. And is this kid getting DUIs with coke in his pants?
I can go on (George Michael Bluth! That guy from Smallville! McLovin!)
But let us turn our weary eyes, America, to our chick role models.
Jessica Alba: You get to see her panties in her new movie! With Dane Cook (Hi. Dane. Are you over yet? I'm preeeetttty sure you are. You may go now.)
Jessica Biel: You got to see her panties in her last movie! A homophobic romp through NYC!
Jessica Simpson: No. Stop. The hottest guitarist EVA dumped you like 3 times.
Lindsay: Ywn. Die already.
Paris: Layin low, but surely spreadin the herp on the DL.
Nicole: Preggers by the most gigantic douche ever to be on Dateline. (I include Stone Phillips in this.)
Ow. My head.
So. I can't walk into a mall without seeing "Girl Power" t-shirts and "Chicks Rule!" Keychains.
Yet our only viable answer to the stable young actors of today are...Gwen Stefani, who's pushing 40 and fast falling off the Tween radar. And Fergie. A former Meth addict who has urinated on herself onstage. And who's pushing 277.
Lilo's last movie tanked, of course (Witnesses say a scene in which she is hit with a shovel, supposed to be harrowing, was met with peals of laughter form the audience), as did the J-Biel homo movie and anything J-Simp touches (Hi Nick!), but what about the rest of them...?
How can we as a culture just make. Them. STOP?!
I welcome suggestions.
Ah, and even now, as I watch The Fresh Prince (Will Smith! He's cool too!), I bear witness to the biggest slut of them all. That shining example to our next generation of women voters....
the dead eyes of...
The Bratz Doll.
Say what you will, bitches. Barbie may have enormous tits, but at least she got to be an Astronaut.