Oh shut up everyone, seriously.

Do not mistake this for a blog in her defense, but can the world REALLY be that mad about Paris’s “reassignment”? She wasn’t actually released, if you read a little further, she was sent to house arrest. Yeah yeah, at a 30 acre estate in the Hollywood Hills, but whatevs man, home is home. Toast every morning and PS2 with your mom all day gets boring no matter how you slice it. It seems reasonable to me. But, America, why the uproar?

I can’t believe how calmly I read the news this morning, while Myspace bulletins exploded onto the scene as though something actually Earth shattering had happened! A rich person avoided hard jail time! Raise the terror alert to Fuchsia!

People…SHE DIDN’T KILL ANYONE! She’s dumb as a box of weaves, but certainly not dangerous to society. How can you despise someone’s un-newsworthiness, and then pull a 180 and decide “Wait! I want to talk about her A LOT now!!”.

Sidebar: Things I want to see a Myspace bulletin about:

-Tara Reid nominated for Oscar.

-John Travolta comes out as Gay-A-Licious! Also, buys a plane named same.

-Suri Cruise on drugs, beats Drew Barrymore’s kid-high record.

This means if I cared it was your birthday, I’d already know about it and leave a comment on my own. Stop bulletining. I hate you. End sidebar.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I pay taxes (well… usually, and only when I fill the form out correctly.) and it costs about $200,000 to sustain ONE federal prisoner over the course of five years. That’s your money! Why should their be unbridled happiness that a skinny bitch in orange pajamas is going to put a further drain on a system

Yeah, we hate her, but only inasmuch as she is always in the news. House arrest certainly does enough to stanch that flow. The vagina spreadings should be dramatically reduced.

And really, people, we’ve got two down (Lindsay’s in the ‘Hab, so pour one out for ya sista) and one to go (Britney’s kids desperately need your help. Please send this acne ravaged popstar to Mom-Rehab?).

And if things go well for the world, we might actually have an inappropriate-vagina-flash free summer! Sorry boys!

Now, lemme just go bulletin about this....

NOTE, 10pm 6/7: I fucking hate that I have to sound like I'm defending her because more people get their news from People Magazine instead of The New York Times, but...no, she was not driving drunk on a suspended license. She was driving, regular style, on a suspended license. Yesterday on my way out of work I passed a good friend who informed me his license was suspended, but he was going to the beach tomorrow. Like I said in an earlier post, bitches get away with a lot more in this life, and I am not comfortable with one solitary non-dangerous quote unquote criminal taking up solitary confinement space usually reserved for violent sex offenders and murderers. Furthermore, the maintenance required for a celebrity to be put in the general prison population is unfair to the already overworked criminal justice system.

Now, get a life everyone, there's starving kids in Darfur.