Stizzosa

From the Italian: Stizzóso - 1) Irascible, bad tempered, peevish, testy. 2) Snarky.

I'm a Blog of the Day!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

V Day.


Happy Valentine's everyone. Happy "waaaaaah, fake holiday" to those of you bitter and single.

In honor of this, our "fake greeting card holiday! waaaah!", the NY daily news compiled a list of what they call "The greatest love songs of all time".

Here is a partial list, just the top 25:

1. "My Girl" The Temptations (Makes everyone our age think of Macualy Culkin getting eaten by bees)
2. "I'll Be There" The Jackson 5 (Michael. Need I say more?)
3. "Wonderful Tonight" Eric Clapton (PLAYED OUT PLAYED OUT PLAYED OUT PLAYED OUT)
4. "I Just Called to Say I Love You" Stevie Wonder (Ok, Stevie rocks)
5. "You Are So Beautiful" Joe Cocker (Sounds like it's sung by a retard. But I do love me some Joe when he's bluesin' out.)
6. "In My Life" The Beatles (Where is the love in this song??)
7. "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" Roberta Flack (I have no idea what song this is)
8. "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" Elvis Presley (Fucking SAD. It's about a BREAKUP. How old are these people?!)
9. "Michelle" The Beatles (About a stripper. Love. Capital L)
10. "I Can't Stop Loving You" Ray Charles (Awesome, I agree with this one)
11. "Best of My Love" The Emotions (Ok, maybe.)
12. "Bridge Over Troubled Water" Simon & Garfunkel (What? Gay much?)
13. "All I Have to Do Is Dream" The Everly Brothers (The only words to this anyone knows are "Dream dream dream dream dreeeeeaaaaamm")
14. "You've Got a Friend" Carole King ("...that's sleeping because this song is booooring")
15. "Killing Me Softly With His Song" Roberta Flack (Lauryn Hill we need you. How is this a love song? Obsession is NOT love! And he was MEAN.)
16. "To Sir With Love" Lulu (Also no idea what song this is)
17. "Sherry" The Four Seasons (see: Falsettos do not make anyone sexy)
18. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" Queen (Ok. This is the only legitimate contender. It's about love, how nutty it is, and FREDDY!)
19. "Unchained Melody" The Righteous Brothers ("Ghost". Awww yeah)
20. "Save the Last Dance for Me" The Drifters (At least the Michael Buble version? The girl in the song is a whore anyway.)
21. "Stay" Maurice Williams and the Zodiacs (Dirty Dancing! Why are these getting better the LOWER we get??)
22. "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" Carole King (No.)
23. "Up on the Roof" The Drifters (WHAT? Slowly I am becoming the bitter V day hater the rest of you high schoolers are)
24. "He's So Fine" The Chiffons (He's also a bad disco song)
25. "I Will Follow Him" Little Peggy March (Obsession is not love)

Notice anything? Yeah. Nothing from this millenium. What's the DEAL people? "Rico Suave" makes me feel more love than any one of these! Might I point out that "In My Life" isn't even a LOVE song! It's about John Lennon's CHILDHOOD! Sick. "Will you still love me tomorrow"?"Killing Me Softly"? More bitter singles on the NY times staff than I thought...

There are about 175 million songs I can think of, off the stop of my little head, that are better, more meaningful, and more google eyed lovey than any one of these fossils. Don't get me wrong, music enthusiasts, I am a fan of the oldie but goody, but I mean, come ON. Little Peggy March? Forgive my legs for remaining closed.

Enough of my ramblings. I present to you an exhaustively researched (I turned on my iPod) and newly updated list of songs some of us might actually want to hear during our love getting this night (or, you know, photo burning bitter-fests). And for goodness sake, I present it to you in the order God and David Letterman intended, starting from the BOTTOM. Boys, get your iTunes trigger fingers ready to make this tonight's playlist, and in this order. I was a DJ once, and I would never steer you wrong. Light the candles and ready the duvet.

25) Ain't That a Kick in the Head - Dean Martin (Come on, kick it old school with your bad self. It's impressive to vaginas)
24) Baby's Got Sauce - G Love and Special Sauce (YOU KNOW IT)
23) Beating Hearts Baby - Head Automatica
22) Ordinary World - Duran Duran
21) 500 Miles - The Proclaimers
20) Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung (Be wary not to download the SONG Aqualung...that's different.)
19) Everything - Alanis Morisette
18) Melissa - The Allman Brothers Band ...altough...this may only work if you girlfriend is named as such
17) If I Ain't Got You - Alicia Keyes
16) Can't Take My Eyes Off of You - Lauryn Hill
15) If You Leave - Nada Surf, OMD cover. This one's sweeter.
14) Don't Go Away - Oasis
13) Time After Time - Eva Fischer, Cyndi Lauper cover. But let's face it, Cyndi's voice does not evoke amorous feelings.
12) Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers
11) Underneath it All - No Doubt
10) In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
9) I Melt With You - Modern English (Check out the Nouvelle Vague version, too)
8) Crazy Love - many artiists have covered, but I prefer the Brian McNight. He puts some extra soul into it. Yeaaahh.
7) Lay Lady Lay - Bob Dylan (Boys. Watch her clothes FLY off. Or..maybe that's just me)
6) Linger- The Cranberries
5) Swallowed In The Sea - Coldplay
4) Friday I'm In Love/
3) Pictures of You - The Cure (Leave it to the goths to get it so very right, and twice.)
2) Let My Love Open The Door, acoustic version - Pete Towshend
and 1) with a fucking bullet: Fade Into You - Mazzy Star. The best. Ever.

So listen up bitter punks and lovey doves alike. I IMPLORE you to comment, because, as in any list, I've left someone's favorite out. I want to know the songs to make you well up and cry in your bedroom.

Happy "HALLMARK MADE IT UP!! WAAAAHHH!!"

Hearts,
R

Friday, February 09, 2007

I've forgone my "I Suddenly Realize Star Wars is Ruined" blog for the following announcement.

I'm mad at God.

That's right, God. Once again, your bolt of death lighting has struck the wrong person. Anna Nicole. In a world of anorexic pygmies, vagina flashing moms, dead eyed rich prostitutes and coke dusted bitches, you chose a rather sweetly oblivious southern girl with a weight problem.

And you suck for it.

I'd love for someone to point out the last time Paris or Lindsay said something that was actually amusing to the world ("Want some mooooney?") or went out of their way at an actual event, as opposed to at a Girls Gone Wild rape-fest, to steal the show. And without flashing a tit. Anna was incorrigible, I realize, but at least she was entertaining. Even though she was obviously slurry.
God, I know there's that time you let Jeffrey Dahmer die (and you'll thank me for not going into detail about that one) but GOD. That doesn't let you off the hook for EVERYTHING. I mean, really.

Hey, i'm no TMZ, so I don't know about making ambitious allegations that will most likely prove to be untrue but, I realize she could've done herself in. And here I am, one of a trillion beings mad at God for no reason (Red Sox fans? Looking at you.). Well, it sucks wether you did it or she did.

In my day, I've seen a few celebs kick it. And some of them really made me sad. Jim Henson, Bob Hope, Johnny Carson, Princess Di, the chick from My Sister Sam. Some were old and ready, some were stolen from Earth much too soon.(oh yeah, to be closer to the angels. Next time I hear someone say that at a funeral I am fully setting fire to my hair.). But never in all my 21 *ahem* years have I seen a celebrity death affect people so. I am truly shocked about that. Everyone kind of...stopped...for a while. Texts were sent 'round the world and met with UTTER disbelief. Emails were answered with "She's WHAT? That's so....weird. I...don't really know what to say." Even the blogs shied away from the supposed "video of her dead body getting CPR". Seriously. BestWeekEver wouldn't even touch it with a 39.5' pole. Perez Hilton, that bitch, issued an apology for making fun of the death when it was thought to be rumor. Why the rather widespread gentleness? Maybe it's cuz her kinda cool son died pretty recently, followed by odd marriage and baby daddy questions. Maybe it's because she got kinda hot again.

Maybe it's because...and I'm gulping here...Maybe it's because...

Seriously this is hard.

OK.

Maybe it's because....she's our Marilyn Monroe.

Sigh.

Now, some forget. But Anna had a HOT, if short lived, classy phase. So did Norma Jean. I realize Marilyn was genuinely looking for love (in all the wrong places, etc.) but she was tortured, occasionally drug addicted soul who suffered quite a bit at the hands of the media. Familiar much? Now, put Vicky Lynn (as Anna was baptized) in 1960 and I imagine she'd pull most of the same stunts. Skirt up in the wind in movies, presidential scandals, an array of ill advised marriages, and, of course, an early and tragic death.

Marilyn got her start in Playboy too, ya know. The public felt a little more protective towards Marilyn, but such were the times. We're not quite so forgiving. When Gentlemen Prefer Blondes made her a sweet and ditzy star, everyone wanted her hair. Her marriage to a baseball star made the nation OBSESSED. Anna Nicole marries an octogenarian and much eye rolling follows. Trimspa and "E!" sure have changed our world.

Well. She's gone. Now all we've got is Jessica Simp-lookslikeatransvestive-son. Great. THANKS, GOD.

So, Rest In Peace, Anna Nicole. The world pretty much agrees, we'd rather have seen Paris Hilton get hit by a bus and dragged forty feet. Say hi to Ms. Baker Monroe DiMaggio Miller. You guys definitely have some AWESOME stories to trade.