An age, gone.


Newsflash: Apparently Grindhouse bombed at the box office. Who knew today’s moviegoers wouldn’t want to sit in a sticky packed room for 4 hours without a break. With lil’ babies all running around the place and popcorn costing you $54.97. Can producers get it now? The golden age of spending an afternoon at the cinema is as dead as taupe pantyhose. The spirit of downloading, copying, and buying things off a blanket is firmly with us and here to stay.

Forgive my laziness and lack of actual quotes, but when M. Night Shamylan’s “Lady In The Water” came out, he gave an interview to somewhere where he said things like “Everyone loves going to a theater”. In same interview La Spielberg himself said things along the same lines, including “No one will ever stop going to a movie theater to see movies, I think.”, regarding the rising incidents of DVD leaks in the industry. The question arose of the simultaneous release of home video and theatre versions of a movie, and he scoffed, as though no one would choose their own living room.

The fuck? These pampered pussies have obviously not been to an actual movie theater in about 200 years. I wonder what they picture when they envision their fans handing over $12. A man in a vest and fez taking your coat? Cheerful movie buffs good naturedly arguing over the nuances of Citizen Kane versus Spartacus? Perfectly non-greasy popcorn in stripey bags being eaten by lovers with intertwined arms? (…You know, that cross armed way you can drink champagne? You get it, right? It is imperative that you picture this.)

The reality, you all may realize, is more along the lines of the first 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Only with cell phones that blast “My Humps”.

Aside from certain epics such as the new King Kong or The Return of the King (America thanks you, Peter Jackson!), what need do we have for the silver screen? Of course it’s awesome to see things bigger and louder, but at what cost? Is it really worth “Stadium Seating” to actually touch another person’s elbow/ankle for two hours? Is it the novelty of eating in a public place while watching something? Can it still be so strong? I can make better nachos than the bitter girl at United Artists, that’s fo’ sho’.

But back to Grindhouse…

The Weinsteins, Hollywood’s Zillionaire producer duo, seem genuinely shocked that Quentin T and Robert R’s Pet Project didn’t open at number 1. It was number 4! Blades of Glory remained at the top! (The need for a 2 story tall Will Ferrell is definitely beyond me, hilarity aside.) And Ice Cube’s stupid movie “Are We Ever Gonna Rap Again, Sell Out?” was number 3!

Now, I’m intrigued as the next gal when it comes to Assault Rifles as Appendages, but WHY would anyone with disposable income and 3.8 hours to kill spend it in a big dark room caked with Diet Dr Pepper and old gum? To watch a blood and gore fest I’ve heard only half of is watchable? With STRANGERS. Please understand that a good B-Movie is certainly something to sing about. But…not pay more than $10 for. Especially if after this payment all you can leave with is kernels and a memory. I’m surprised at their surprise. SOMEONE must have brought this up at the meeting.

“Yeah, It’s 200 minutes long and Rose McGowan kind of looks like Delta Burke. It’s gonna be fly. The second one is so bad it’s actually bad. Zillion bucks. Tie this one to the roof. Order the Jaguar. Kiss bye, lunch every day.”

“SRRSLY?” *incredulous look*

I pray that this whole “surprise” is a step in the right direction. I’m hoping someday we’ll actually be able to have a choice as to where we want to watch our Jack Black vehicles. My biggest dream? That only a few of the aforementioned “epics” ever get released to the cinemas, and the leftover theaters are dedicated to classics of the past that none of us got to see on the big screen, like Indiana Jones! Wouldn’t that be nice? Paying money for a movie you already know is awesome?

So, sorry your movie is gonna make like 48 bucks, Quentino and Robert, but it just goes to show: The directors, producers and even actors simply don’t know what we want anymore. Spend a day at UA College Point. Like me, you’ll probably never go back again.

Except for Spiderman. And Transformers. TRANSFORMERS: The Movie! I have my $47 for a ticket and a very small root beer earmarked already.