Well. Upon digging through unnamed "drafts" leftover in my Yahoo account, I came across the below "Year End Recap" which I apparently a) wrote while drunk because I do not remember it and 2) is pretty freakin funny.

I give it to you here, unfinished and only marginally spellchecked.

******

Knowing that I have to tackle this entire year makes me feel like I have been given the task of eating an entire tiramisu. Which, while entirely doable by the likes of me, still makes one a little more than uneasy that perhaps one might become violently ill.

No matter.
Let us.

January:

Anna Nicole Smith deathwatch '07 kind of gets us all going. We're in a TMZ sort of mood, and the psychotic ramblings of an overused blonde with implants never tire. Britney had just ended the year with a nap at Pure in LV, and some sought her comeback in that adorable way she wore entire sweaters, without pants, (and nothing else, you see.) and other such class moves. Lost was back, and our nation turns our hungry eyes to Sawyer.

Yes. January filled a country with a certain kind of hope.

Until..

February.

And half the world texts the other half of the world that Anna Nicole = dead. It was ridiculous. People were in the kind of disbelief residents of the 1960s reserved for Moon landings. As if that fiasco weren't fucking enough...

The head shaving. Need I elucidate? Before that even occured, she traded outfits with a Go-Go Dancer (as I try to ignore the fact that straight clubs actually have said artists).
BESIDES the fact that this month was dominated with news on the how when and why of Anna's Death, and the BabyDaddy trials...

Jesus!

Now, let me go out on a limb here and name February 2007 the most sensational month EVER!! I'll admit, thinking back on flipping on the news at 2am and seeing...live....footage...of...bald...Britney...
Think about it! BALD!
It fills a body with a certain tingle! "Where were YOU when she almost walked into traffic!" our kids will ask!
**note, it is at this time I went to PerezHilton to relive those carefree skin head days, and got sucked in for 30 minutes. Excuse a lady while she fixes a sandwich and recharges, as we havnt even BEGUN this month yet...

Ok.

AND THEN!
The hair was put up for sale on Ebay!
AND!
Tom Brady knocks up his old ol lady! Not the biggest, but I'm pretty sure men worldwide were privy to gossip news for the first time in 200 years. A football player who fucks a supermodel, and impregnates someone who looks like she could be a supermodel. I'm pretty sure I heard a slow-clap start for Tom sometime around Valentine's Day.

Also. That whore from American Idol. She's naked? or something? Is that show even about singing?

Somewhere between the immovable forhead of Paula and the unsettling chest hair of Simon lies a program about talent, right?

Anyway.
Oh yeah, the Oscars happened sometime around then also. I am only reminded because American idol somehow penetrated that holy orifice as well.
Congrats, Jenny Hudson! Haven't seen you since. Tell Eddie his brother is funnier.

March.

Let me begin March by saying: K-Fed was still Mr Spears at this point? They hadn't been separated for, like, eons by then?

Now then, let us reflect on a figure perhaps since forgotten. Were it not, in fact, for this patron saint of the clitoris, March would've been out like a Lamb indeed!

Li. Lo.

This month she: Vowed to go topless in a movie, got out of rehab, forgot to go to veteran (and wonderful) director Robert Altman's funeral, but sent a sorrowful statement VIA BLACKBERRY, showed some wicked side, front, and under boob, possibly screwed Jude Law in the last days of his hotness, hit everything with her car, and dyed her hair blonde.

Nothin compared to Whitney though. Remember her?

Also. Sanjaya....

God is this over yet?

April.

Suri Cruise is born! And yet remains three months away from being proven real. ..............WAIT! Thats 2006.

Lindsay still dominates at this point and gee, I kinda miss that kooky kid! She sure was...kooky.
Her Myspace got hacked, and people retreat in droves for Facebook. There's some vague lesbian missives involved, but who could possibly care? The object of her sapphic love looks like one of the blonde Hobbits on meth.

And one of my favorite stories, which I completely forgot about: Scary Spice's Eddie Murphy baby! Remember how bitchy he was? Like damn! One wonders if she was a cheater and he was bitter. Or if, in fact, Eddie Murphy is an insufferable dick.

The world votes for the latter.
Twice in this post I invoke the affable spirit of Charlie Murphy, he who will save us.

Also, possibly my favorite Britney "Oops, I'm...so not cute anymore. At all." moment. She wanders around town in a white shirt with a huuuuge food stain on it, eerie dark nipples showing.

Here. http://idontlikeyouinthatway.com/2007/04/britney-spears-has-another-boyfriend.html

Stars! They're just like fat people with Diabetes!

Related: Turns out "Ho's" is an offensive term. Rutgers Basketball Team galled. Centuries old undead man held responsible.

Unrelated: Blonde gay man Baby Nicole Smith's daddy! World sort of pays attention, and then worries about the new Transformers trailer.

May!

In her first public concert in three years, Britney Spears performed a 15-minute set at the San Diego House of Blues. In a wrap made out of the Bumble from Rudolph. Hundreds flock, and leave in snickering disappointment. Camera phones documents the unease.

Surprise of the month: Lindsay? Still a drunk. But fuck her, man. This is where the rumbling starts that Paris Hilton might go to jail. Like, real jail. Actual bars in front of her face, big metal locky sound, stern man with a whistle standing over her JAIL! America is so happy, it's almost like the time we dropped a big ol' bomb on a city or two and danced all over our War Bonds....

Wait. I think it might be better than that.

Anyway, THIS I cannot believe was so long ago: The Hoff yells at a hamburger. That's....kind of all there is to report. But you ALL remember.

***Fin.

It is here when I forgot which text editor I saved this damn thing to and promptly forgot about it.

Forgive a lady.

So. Sate yourselves with this the way we pretended the "Lost Chapelle" Episodes were almost good.

Shameless Self Promotion.



I got two headlines in the "Overheard in New York" headlines contest. I win nothing but an undeserved ego boost.

Check it! - Headline Contest Winners

While you're at it, spend the entire day surfing the archives of the site.

It's. Completely. Worth. It.

6 years..


So. Here we are, 6 years on. We all know the date, no need to rehash. And where are we?

Disgusting hair extensions at The Palms and the new Valentino line being shown at Bryant Park while some snark blog editors pass out Barf Bags (OMG models are SKINNY didn't you KNOW!)

Kanye vs 50 and the near death of a mediocre actor's mediocre actor brother.

Summer of the one star threequel and the Rehabbed Starlet.

Senator Craigslist busted for The Gayness (!), Paris busted for the drunkness. Nicole is The Preggers. High School Musical Deuce is The Bomb.

No new developments here at Stizzosa. Just thought I'd try to get you to be as depressed as I am...

Oh, no no, that's ok Girls. You only set us back 75 years!


May I begin by heartily disclaiming: I am no feminist. Hold open my doors, pull out my chairs, and no cussing in front of my mom, you dig? No I will not go HALVES on a first date. You asked ME!
I mean, come on. I don't understand how the braless ugly girls got the men of the world to treat us like crap, but I am against it.

I, already, digress.


The task at hand is not to put down the "strong women" of the 21st century (You know, even dang Beyonce gets her man to buy her jewelry I MEAN DAMN.) but to sing praise to the up and coming boys.

Case in point...SHIA.

Anyone who's seen a movie in the last 6 months knows Shia Lebouf, former Disney slave turned box office powerhouse. Bless him, he's cute as a button. A jewish button, but still! All jew-froed...

Anyway.

He's 19. And have you ever seen his picture on Perez, dotty coke lines coming out his nose? Nope. Kid even grew up with a drug addict dad and hippie mom, and manages to stay in on Friday nights.

Can we give more money to him?

Case in point part deux: Seth Rogen.

Now, maybe it's a jewish thing (see: jew fro) but this guy, who looks about 30, is 24. And a comedic genius. He's WELL on his way to being a billionaire. He graduated AFTER me (a true mark of old: famous people are now younger than me.) yet got to make out with one of the hottest actresses of the year in one of the best comedies of all time. And is this kid getting DUIs with coke in his pants?

NO.

I can go on (George Michael Bluth! That guy from Smallville! McLovin!)

But let us turn our weary eyes, America, to our chick role models.

Jessica Alba: You get to see her panties in her new movie! With Dane Cook (Hi. Dane. Are you over yet? I'm preeeetttty sure you are. You may go now.)
Jessica Biel: You got to see her panties in her last movie! A homophobic romp through NYC!
Jessica Simpson: No. Stop. The hottest guitarist EVA dumped you like 3 times.
Lindsay: Ywn. Die already.
Paris: Layin low, but surely spreadin the herp on the DL.
Nicole: Preggers by the most gigantic douche ever to be on Dateline. (I include Stone Phillips in this.)
Halle: Boring.
Courtney: Dying.
Katie: Hostage.
Britney: ...


Ow. My head.


So. I can't walk into a mall without seeing "Girl Power" t-shirts and "Chicks Rule!" Keychains.

Yet our only viable answer to the stable young actors of today are...Gwen Stefani, who's pushing 40 and fast falling off the Tween radar. And Fergie. A former Meth addict who has urinated on herself onstage. And who's pushing 277.

Lilo's last movie tanked, of course (Witnesses say a scene in which she is hit with a shovel, supposed to be harrowing, was met with peals of laughter form the audience), as did the J-Biel homo movie and anything J-Simp touches (Hi Nick!), but what about the rest of them...?

How can we as a culture just make. Them. STOP?!

I welcome suggestions.


Ah, and even now, as I watch The Fresh Prince (Will Smith! He's cool too!), I bear witness to the biggest slut of them all. That shining example to our next generation of women voters....

the dead eyes of...

The Bratz Doll.

Say what you will, bitches. Barbie may have enormous tits, but at least she got to be an Astronaut.

Disturbing Trends Alert:

Today on the G train, I spotted, from the corner of my eye, what my brain registered as “cute boy”. Short-ish shaggy haired, skinny jeaned hipster extraordinaire, complete with guitar in gig bag on back! Eye Candy Gold. But when I turned my head to further investigate, it became clear…my new boyfriend? Was a girl.

This is the THIRD TIME THIS WEEK I’ve been fooled into thinking a girl was a boy. Oh go ahead and toot your “repressed lesbian urges” horn. I know what goes on down there. I want no more part of it than I am already forced by God to endure.

Why would a girl chop off all her hair and dress like one of the guys from OK GO? The video was popular, yes, but I can’t see an acceptable outcome outside of treadmill humor. Boys, any of you like the “kind of 14 year old pre pubescent child look”? Girls, any of you appreciate a very sleepy Italian chick (me.) on the G train checking you out?

I don’t get it. I have no formal conclusion to this epidemic.

But while I’m talking about my general hatred for females, let me revisit an old foe…

I may have to implement a “No Uggs” rule on this page, as I’m starting to sound like a broken..CD…(None of you know what a record looks like, right? Nor why I would sound like one that is broken, I expect.). But. UGGS.

Now, it’s summertime! Yay summer! Flowers bursting in full bloom, children plummeting off diving boards, lovers weeping in the park, etc. And girls wearing dresses! Everyone loves that part, for skin showing or what have you. But suddenly, it seems girls don’t want to let go of the Uggs, because they’re wearing them with their delicate Forever 21 dresses!

UNACCEPTABLE! You: Don’t look good.

Stumpy, more like. In all, you appear as though you’ve fashioned crude foot coverings out of large loaves of bread. Is this what you were trying to achieve? With your DRESS?

I have a recurring nightmare about brides walking down the aisle in Uggs. I have no idea how to keep this from happening. (Oh, it’s coming, just you wait.) Can you imagine? As it is, I have seen recent wedding photos of a blushing young bride in a lovely dress….changing from her high heels to PINK PLASTIC FLIP FLOPS for her reception.

Girls suck. Ugh. …get it?

And now, A Public Service to you, my reader.

Websites to visit instead of refreshing Myspace 14 times an hour.:

www.jezebel.com

Girls bitching about the pull out method, the folding of Jane magazine, and Kirsten Dunst’s teeth.

www.foundmagazine.com

Shit people find on the ground is often beautifully haunting. Like Polaroid pictures of empty highways discovered in old abandoned buildings. Supplement your TMZ viewings with a little humanism.

www.threadless.com

Create an account and judge people’s potential t-shirt designs. Because if you read this blog, it means you enjoy being judgmental.

Then, buy an awesome t-shirt!

Maybe more next week? Wish my waning creativity some luck.

NOW HEAR THIS.

From The New York Times:

Who would’ve guessed that Paris Hilton would help “underscore the profound effect of the Sheriff’s Department’s early-release program” in Los Angeles?

That’s part of what the Los Angeles Times has concluded after analyzing 2 million jail releases and finding 1,500 comparable cases since July 2002. Following up on all that outrage over what many saw as unequal application of justice after her release, the newspaper has found, in short, that she’s doing more time than most people:

Had Hilton left jail for good after four days, her stint behind bars would have been similar to those served by 60 percent of those inmates.

But after a judge sent her back to jail Friday, Hilton’s attorney announced that she would serve the full 23 days. That means that Hilton will end up serving more time than 80 percent of other people in similar situations.

In the article, one of the loudest critics of the early release of Ms. Hilton is quoted saying the data persuaded him to alter his view. “The rules of fairness should be applied equally,” said Najee Ali, director of Project Islamic Hope.

Now I’ve said before that this celebutard™ is being made an example of. And here is a reliable source, whose pages are not glossy nor involve the word “Bennifer”, that proves it.

America, we should be outraged that an incarcerated person can be allowed to go home, spend a day there, and then be forced to go back to jail by a pissy judge. Yeah, pissy judge, I said it! Anyone get a glimpse of the court order demanding she appear? It was scrawled in the same writing one would expect from a serial killer's manifesto.

All you liberal bleeding hearts are showing your true colors these past few weeks, with your marches for equality being cancelled out by your “She SUCKS! Send her to JAIL! I mean SERIOUSLY! I haaaaaate her! TISNF!!”

Poor personality and a wonky eye are not a reason to send someone to prison.

You fucking uninformed people are gonna vote for Hillary too, I’ll bet. God dammit, I’m going to have to move to France, aren’t I?

Hopefully, Lindsay does something ridiculous soon, because I am officially sick of this subject.

Fuck along, now.

Oh shut up everyone, seriously.

Do not mistake this for a blog in her defense, but can the world REALLY be that mad about Paris’s “reassignment”? She wasn’t actually released, if you read a little further, she was sent to house arrest. Yeah yeah, at a 30 acre estate in the Hollywood Hills, but whatevs man, home is home. Toast every morning and PS2 with your mom all day gets boring no matter how you slice it. It seems reasonable to me. But, America, why the uproar?

I can’t believe how calmly I read the news this morning, while Myspace bulletins exploded onto the scene as though something actually Earth shattering had happened! A rich person avoided hard jail time! Raise the terror alert to Fuchsia!

People…SHE DIDN’T KILL ANYONE! She’s dumb as a box of weaves, but certainly not dangerous to society. How can you despise someone’s un-newsworthiness, and then pull a 180 and decide “Wait! I want to talk about her A LOT now!!”.

Sidebar: Things I want to see a Myspace bulletin about:

-Tara Reid nominated for Oscar.

-John Travolta comes out as Gay-A-Licious! Also, buys a plane named same.

-Suri Cruise on drugs, beats Drew Barrymore’s kid-high record.

This means if I cared it was your birthday, I’d already know about it and leave a comment on my own. Stop bulletining. I hate you. End sidebar.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I pay taxes (well… usually, and only when I fill the form out correctly.) and it costs about $200,000 to sustain ONE federal prisoner over the course of five years. That’s your money! Why should their be unbridled happiness that a skinny bitch in orange pajamas is going to put a further drain on a system

Yeah, we hate her, but only inasmuch as she is always in the news. House arrest certainly does enough to stanch that flow. The vagina spreadings should be dramatically reduced.

And really, people, we’ve got two down (Lindsay’s in the ‘Hab, so pour one out for ya sista) and one to go (Britney’s kids desperately need your help. Please send this acne ravaged popstar to Mom-Rehab?).

And if things go well for the world, we might actually have an inappropriate-vagina-flash free summer! Sorry boys!

Now, lemme just go bulletin about this....

NOTE, 10pm 6/7: I fucking hate that I have to sound like I'm defending her because more people get their news from People Magazine instead of The New York Times, but...no, she was not driving drunk on a suspended license. She was driving, regular style, on a suspended license. Yesterday on my way out of work I passed a good friend who informed me his license was suspended, but he was going to the beach tomorrow. Like I said in an earlier post, bitches get away with a lot more in this life, and I am not comfortable with one solitary non-dangerous quote unquote criminal taking up solitary confinement space usually reserved for violent sex offenders and murderers. Furthermore, the maintenance required for a celebrity to be put in the general prison population is unfair to the already overworked criminal justice system.

Now, get a life everyone, there's starving kids in Darfur.