It's happened.

I have reached total and complete saturation of hatred of everyone and everything. Please, hate with me as I list the things that have annoyed me since last I wrote.

1) As though anyone needed a reason to hate New Jersey.

Soon, I will be free from Jersey. I will no longer have to go there for sex, to have dinners bought or made for me, or to feel superior (though I may return from time to time for the latter)

Allow me to give all a reason to truly and finally hate The Garden State.

Uggs.

What? 2001 called? It would appear so. While touring the mall of Redbank, NJ, the boy and I were shocked…nay, appalled, to see that every single girl over 15 and under 22 was wearing Uggs. Fucking UGGS!! It’s like you walked into Macy’s Herald Square and everyone has stirrup leggings and New Kids On The Block heat sensitive color changing half tops on.

And not only were they Uggs, they were all filthy! Every last horrible pair of them. Presumably because they paid $100 bucks for them 3 years ago, and daddy made them promise to “Wear ‘em every winter til your 30."

I can’t even go on. Zach Braff, where art thou?

2) A Girl putting Makeup on. ON THE M TRAIN.

Not lipstick and a bit of gloss. Not mascara and a pinch to the cheek to give the illusion of health. Full on makeup. RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

She began with foundation, and I mean full on spackle, and moved over to several shades of blush. Though ‘blush’ would imply a dewy rose, not a racing stripe. I was mildly shocked in my Queens-native kind of way. Until she pulled out an eyelash curler. This is a contraption that most men, all children, and many women would say looks like a torture device for elves. It is metal, has a scissor like movement, and is put one millimeter away from your moist and trusting eyeball, so that your lashes can achieve full Bambi-ness. Though the sick minds to give birth to this product surely never conceived of its use on, in or around a moving vehicle.

It was at the curling point that I giggled with hate, if such a thing has ever happened. After that she was done, but my right arm was dusted with varying shades of orange, and she looked kind of like a porcelain drag queen. Which, by the way, is an awesome bandname. DIBS.

3) The M Train.

I hate the M train. If you’ve spoken to me in the last month you have learned this, or at least guessed at it as you try to keep me from climbing it’s trestles with explosives strapped to my head and neck. It comes once every 10 minutes DURING RUSH HOUR. I do not feel rushed. It stops at desolate and empty places like “central ave” where no trains connect, no one gets on or off, and I weep. It is often stopped for 5 minutes at a time to let the uber ghetto yet ultra efficient J train pass. It hates me, I hate it, and I am moving almost for the sole purpose of escaping it.

I'm serious, my commute is worse than yours, and I implore you to comment and try to make me believe otherwise.

4) People who don’t eat anything.

Now, I don’t want anyone thinking I’m racist but…I hate white people*. I do. And for one reason only (though you’ve done many a bad thing).

You cannot eat. Rather…you eat yourselves to death with less than opulent ingredients.

You think pork chops should be put in a frying pan until they reduce to half their size and 2% of their original flavor, and enjoy dipping them in mustard and not finishing it. You think pizza looks like it does on Dominos commercials in every country, including Italy, and that people die when they eat sushi. In the pizza vein, you believe nothing can go on it besides “chicken” “pepperoni” and/or “7 types of cheese at once”. Ever had a roasted red pepper? A sun dried tomato? A fucking olive, you bland race of capitalist pigs?

And now Christmas is coming, and I brace for the wrath of the boy, as I tell the world: “His family had plain egg noodles as their side dish last year…and loved it.” They are soooo white.

*Note: on college applications, when asked my race, I always checked the “other” box. As an Italian, swarthy. theivish and facist as we have always been, I could never be mistaken for someone "Caucasian" from Iowa, Germany or Scotland. And people hated us in the 19th century. Even the Irish should get their own damn box just for that.

5) Moving

I don't actually hate moving, as my worldly possessions can fit in my wallet, but it is this forum I have chosen to finally alert the masses that I am moving to Greenpoint, that Matt will be there with me in sin, that Greenpoint is awesome, and can I borrow your van?

Thank you for the vent.