Stop smacking it, 2006. I'm serious.


Just when I thought the worst song of 2006 could be named with confidence, (Lips of an Angel brought to you by the strained vocal styling of "Hinder" which I beg you to pronounce "High-nder" and then refer to your gluteus maximus as such) I am bombarded by a weird song that is so odd in it's sparse synthesisms as to make me feel funny: Akon, "Smack That".

I don't know man, that song is WEIRD. There's like one keyboard and a synthy bass line Kajagoogoo would envy...and somehow it has taken over the world.
I am forced to question: Is it 2001 again already? A reference to Lamborghinis? Tae-bo? Eminem??? Are we not sooo over all these things? Next there's gonna be a remake of The Two Towers, people will think Lindsay Lohan is NOT an ugly snatched coke whore, and your Von Dutch hat can be seen in public without ridicule!

Of course this is yet another case of a song written like 4 years ago and unearthed for a just this side of attractive and talentless hack still 3 songs short of an LP (see: J-Lo, I'm Real; Amerie, One Thing; Britney Spears "Toxic"; Ashley Parker Angel...no wait I can't believe I just typed that ass's name.)

On the other hand, let us reflect on the Best song of 2006:

Ms. Stacey Ferguson's "Fergilicious".

I defy you, sirs, to tell me I am wrong. It coined like eleven terms (Put your boys on rock, girls), misspelled a word into rhyming genius, got cunnilingus on the radio (it is the year of the Vag after all...more on that in a bit) and features that other recognizable Black Eyed Pea. Anyway, what's the competition? "Bad Day"? Don't you dare say "Crazy" because I will put you through a fucking wall. Songs overplayed by Adult Contemporary "AT Work Networks" are automatically disqualified. And despite being cleverly named, Gnarls Barkley, with their "we dress like a famous duo wherever we go we sooo chill download the Grey Album werd.", gimmicked their way into The Pop Music Embarrassment Hall of Fame (say hi to Nelson, boys). Sooo not d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s.

While I'm here, Lips of an Angel aside, can we also throw bricks at Gwen Stefani next time she sets foot on American soil?? (be careful! Gavin is very delicate!) Wind It Up, another sparse beat layered over a daring (and not AT ALL pulled off) sample of a Disney song sung by a puppet, is somehow climbing the charts. Probably based solely on the mid twenties former No Doubt fans (GUILTY), Gwen has not been laughed off her label for her attempt at staying ahead of her own curve. And, might I add, trying to keep up with T-A-S-T-E-Y Fergie. Stop winding it up and wearing wigs (note: baby had recently by Gwen+ Babies ruin lives = I'm right again)

But 2006, despite all this sparse synthy weirdness, let me tell you something. There is no way skin flashings in '07 can top you, because, '06? You rocked. the vagina. so hard.

Tara Reid's nip slips of '05 were the Faux Pas Du Jour back in the day, but dudes, do you even realize how much POON there has been this year?? (I'm running out of euphemisms. Comment.) Lindsay, Britney, a not as popular Paris pink sighting (by "sighting" I mean "she pulled up her skirt on a table in a club and like...wiggled it"), Lindsay again...and again...
I don't think I know a guy on earth who didn't think Red Headed Lindsay of the ample bosom and dusting of freckles wasn't the hottest thing the new millennium threw at us. Then, she coked, purged, and flashed herself so much, the same men I knew to have loved her actually shudder at a mention of her. And her "pastrami". Gah.

Mom was right, girls. Do not sell the cow. Or the milk? Whatever, wear underwear whores.

So '06, I could be a typical blogger and make top 10 lists of EVERYTHING A HUMAN HAS MADE THIS YEAR. (Though I MUST admit it was a hard won race between Fergs and JT's "My Love" ....try not to fuck something when that comes on).

But instead, I recap as such:

Tang ruled in '06. Akon and Gwen kinda suck. Lips of an Angel is your little sister's "Tearin' Up My Heart". And above all?

The boys wanna eat it. T to the A to the oh you get it.

To a Fergilicious '07.

SALUT!