An age, gone.


Newsflash: Apparently Grindhouse bombed at the box office. Who knew today’s moviegoers wouldn’t want to sit in a sticky packed room for 4 hours without a break. With lil’ babies all running around the place and popcorn costing you $54.97. Can producers get it now? The golden age of spending an afternoon at the cinema is as dead as taupe pantyhose. The spirit of downloading, copying, and buying things off a blanket is firmly with us and here to stay.

Forgive my laziness and lack of actual quotes, but when M. Night Shamylan’s “Lady In The Water” came out, he gave an interview to somewhere where he said things like “Everyone loves going to a theater”. In same interview La Spielberg himself said things along the same lines, including “No one will ever stop going to a movie theater to see movies, I think.”, regarding the rising incidents of DVD leaks in the industry. The question arose of the simultaneous release of home video and theatre versions of a movie, and he scoffed, as though no one would choose their own living room.

The fuck? These pampered pussies have obviously not been to an actual movie theater in about 200 years. I wonder what they picture when they envision their fans handing over $12. A man in a vest and fez taking your coat? Cheerful movie buffs good naturedly arguing over the nuances of Citizen Kane versus Spartacus? Perfectly non-greasy popcorn in stripey bags being eaten by lovers with intertwined arms? (…You know, that cross armed way you can drink champagne? You get it, right? It is imperative that you picture this.)

The reality, you all may realize, is more along the lines of the first 10 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Only with cell phones that blast “My Humps”.

Aside from certain epics such as the new King Kong or The Return of the King (America thanks you, Peter Jackson!), what need do we have for the silver screen? Of course it’s awesome to see things bigger and louder, but at what cost? Is it really worth “Stadium Seating” to actually touch another person’s elbow/ankle for two hours? Is it the novelty of eating in a public place while watching something? Can it still be so strong? I can make better nachos than the bitter girl at United Artists, that’s fo’ sho’.

But back to Grindhouse…

The Weinsteins, Hollywood’s Zillionaire producer duo, seem genuinely shocked that Quentin T and Robert R’s Pet Project didn’t open at number 1. It was number 4! Blades of Glory remained at the top! (The need for a 2 story tall Will Ferrell is definitely beyond me, hilarity aside.) And Ice Cube’s stupid movie “Are We Ever Gonna Rap Again, Sell Out?” was number 3!

Now, I’m intrigued as the next gal when it comes to Assault Rifles as Appendages, but WHY would anyone with disposable income and 3.8 hours to kill spend it in a big dark room caked with Diet Dr Pepper and old gum? To watch a blood and gore fest I’ve heard only half of is watchable? With STRANGERS. Please understand that a good B-Movie is certainly something to sing about. But…not pay more than $10 for. Especially if after this payment all you can leave with is kernels and a memory. I’m surprised at their surprise. SOMEONE must have brought this up at the meeting.

“Yeah, It’s 200 minutes long and Rose McGowan kind of looks like Delta Burke. It’s gonna be fly. The second one is so bad it’s actually bad. Zillion bucks. Tie this one to the roof. Order the Jaguar. Kiss bye, lunch every day.”

“SRRSLY?” *incredulous look*

I pray that this whole “surprise” is a step in the right direction. I’m hoping someday we’ll actually be able to have a choice as to where we want to watch our Jack Black vehicles. My biggest dream? That only a few of the aforementioned “epics” ever get released to the cinemas, and the leftover theaters are dedicated to classics of the past that none of us got to see on the big screen, like Indiana Jones! Wouldn’t that be nice? Paying money for a movie you already know is awesome?

So, sorry your movie is gonna make like 48 bucks, Quentino and Robert, but it just goes to show: The directors, producers and even actors simply don’t know what we want anymore. Spend a day at UA College Point. Like me, you’ll probably never go back again.

Except for Spiderman. And Transformers. TRANSFORMERS: The Movie! I have my $47 for a ticket and a very small root beer earmarked already.

The Seinfeld Conundrum.


This one may hurt. What I'm about to say may not even make sense to some of you. I expect you might what to sit down, or something.

I Hate Seinfeld.

Then again, I realize, there are a lot of you that agree.

I almost got fired/thrown out a 6 story window when I uttered my hate at work. Several males and females my age kind of looked at me as though I just told them I invented 'shotgun legs' or something. One girl even declared that she may have to stop liking me. And I am CONFUSED. What The Fuck? It's the kind of reaction one would expect from a racial slur or somesuch... I slurred a comedian.

And to this I say: I stand by my comment. Because I don't know of anyone who was born in the 80s and grew up here that enjoys the show.

And I also say: I think it's a New York City thing.

Seinfeld (do I really have to explain it? Non-Fiction Writing 101 says yes.) is a show about 4 jerks who do nothing with their lives but continually fuck it up royally. It is not a show about nothing, asses. It's about what I just said. And NYCers basically see that on the 4 5 6 line every morning. See, the thing is, everyone at my job my age didn't grow up here. It's an interesting point. Small towns don't have as much jerk tomfoolery as the big bad apple.

Moreover, I find that people my sister's age (29 and holding?) can't get enough, watching the reruns whenever they're on (400 times a day on 3 channels) and constantly quoting episodes. The jerkness, obviously, was funny to them. Jerkness in the 90s was perhaps at an all time low. I blame grunge. The Gen Xers were too busy crying about Kurt to be jerks, I guess.

But we 18-30 year olds, on the other hand, had to suffer the dot com fools and all the subsequent "entrepreneurs" that came along. and watching a bunch of jerks (sorry for the overuse, Roget's has no synonyms for it.) talk about breasts, diaphragms, mangoes, puffy shirts, bread (specifically, rye), Superman and JFK Jr. is nothing short of infuriating! Because they keep fucking it up somehow!

I realize, America, that this is the very point the show has blossomed from. And I hate it. Perhaps if it was a little more madcap, a little more "Reno 911"?

The conundrum continues, however, because our demographic? LOVES "Curb Your Enthusiasm"! Larry David is the mother and father and perhaps even godfather of Seinfeld. However, I feel Larry filters his jerkness through the aformentioned madcappery I requested, thus make the jerkitude a little more...adorable. We like adorable. See: Inexplicable success of Dakota Fanning. Lack of canned laughter probably helps. Lack of a parade of jerk friends, instead replaced with a long suffering wife helps, too. She suffers WITH us!

In all, I'm waiting for the day when another "timeless" sitcom begins the syndication rounds ad-infinitum. Just so I don't have to accidentally come across George Constanza's annoying parents during my dinner. Because let me tell you, nothing ruins a meal like kvetching.

As long as It's not Sex and The Annoying Bitches with Fucking Stupid Shoes.

It's The Best Week Ever Again!!

Unlike the rest of the 18-35 year olds in this country, I have shunned American Idol. Shunned. Even talk of it in the office. Even mention of it on the news. I vowed to cut it out of my life and send it floating away,like an elderly Eskimo on an ice floe. If my TIVOs Best Week Ever mentions it, I fast forward past. Because I simply cannot fucking take it anymore. A gigantic joke on the lower 48 states (And sometimes Hawaii!) for 5 years running, the popularity contest to end all others gets under my skin with the “So BAD! TeeHee!” clip reels during the first few episodes, and burrows deep into my black soul until only one, ahem, “talent” remains.

Ya’ll know the truth, right? That A.I. famously holds back true talent from the final judgement process at tryouts in favor of the ball sucking-bad “personalities”?

I have a serious question…why is it that Fox thinks we don’t want to see a string of great singers and one or two bad ones, and instead the other way around? Confidential to Fox: I WISH JACK BAUER WOULD TORTURE YOU. He’s so good at it.

Ah. But now, our Messiah has arrived. And against all my own promises… I’m riveted.
Fox, you think we want to see bad singers? Well, SUCK IT. SUCK ON SANJAYA.
In the wake of the last 4 idols whom no one remembers (unless they turn gay, of course, CLAY. P.S.- Kelly, you’re getting kind of fat again.) we finally have our tool for destruction. If we get him at least to the top 5, we’ll know we have won. Every show has to jump the shark sometime, and Shakiraya is our Raven Simone. Bringer of the end. I understand I’m mixing a lot of metaphors here, but stay with me.

You realize, my pretties, that if we keep Sanjayayayayaya in for as long as we can, American Idol will be forced to change! At the very least, endure a year long retooling promising an actual talent competition for 2008, instead of the Sad Parade of Retards and The Criminally Disillusioned.

I know I’m jumping rather late on a bandwagon populated by the likes of Perez Hilton and Howard Stern (bitches both) but I really believe in this cause. And Dancing With Celebrities is really boring.

I think, America and all 10 of you reading this, that I have to end it on this:

VOTE SANJAYA! Tuesday nights on FOX! Ryan Seacrest is gay!

Oh wait..You knew that already.

Rock The Vote!