I've forgone my "I Suddenly Realize Star Wars is Ruined" blog for the following announcement.

I'm mad at God.

That's right, God. Once again, your bolt of death lighting has struck the wrong person. Anna Nicole. In a world of anorexic pygmies, vagina flashing moms, dead eyed rich prostitutes and coke dusted bitches, you chose a rather sweetly oblivious southern girl with a weight problem.

And you suck for it.

I'd love for someone to point out the last time Paris or Lindsay said something that was actually amusing to the world ("Want some mooooney?") or went out of their way at an actual event, as opposed to at a Girls Gone Wild rape-fest, to steal the show. And without flashing a tit. Anna was incorrigible, I realize, but at least she was entertaining. Even though she was obviously slurry.
God, I know there's that time you let Jeffrey Dahmer die (and you'll thank me for not going into detail about that one) but GOD. That doesn't let you off the hook for EVERYTHING. I mean, really.

Hey, i'm no TMZ, so I don't know about making ambitious allegations that will most likely prove to be untrue but, I realize she could've done herself in. And here I am, one of a trillion beings mad at God for no reason (Red Sox fans? Looking at you.). Well, it sucks wether you did it or she did.

In my day, I've seen a few celebs kick it. And some of them really made me sad. Jim Henson, Bob Hope, Johnny Carson, Princess Di, the chick from My Sister Sam. Some were old and ready, some were stolen from Earth much too soon.(oh yeah, to be closer to the angels. Next time I hear someone say that at a funeral I am fully setting fire to my hair.). But never in all my 21 *ahem* years have I seen a celebrity death affect people so. I am truly shocked about that. Everyone kind of...stopped...for a while. Texts were sent 'round the world and met with UTTER disbelief. Emails were answered with "She's WHAT? That's so....weird. I...don't really know what to say." Even the blogs shied away from the supposed "video of her dead body getting CPR". Seriously. BestWeekEver wouldn't even touch it with a 39.5' pole. Perez Hilton, that bitch, issued an apology for making fun of the death when it was thought to be rumor. Why the rather widespread gentleness? Maybe it's cuz her kinda cool son died pretty recently, followed by odd marriage and baby daddy questions. Maybe it's because she got kinda hot again.

Maybe it's because...and I'm gulping here...Maybe it's because...

Seriously this is hard.

OK.

Maybe it's because....she's our Marilyn Monroe.

Sigh.

Now, some forget. But Anna had a HOT, if short lived, classy phase. So did Norma Jean. I realize Marilyn was genuinely looking for love (in all the wrong places, etc.) but she was tortured, occasionally drug addicted soul who suffered quite a bit at the hands of the media. Familiar much? Now, put Vicky Lynn (as Anna was baptized) in 1960 and I imagine she'd pull most of the same stunts. Skirt up in the wind in movies, presidential scandals, an array of ill advised marriages, and, of course, an early and tragic death.

Marilyn got her start in Playboy too, ya know. The public felt a little more protective towards Marilyn, but such were the times. We're not quite so forgiving. When Gentlemen Prefer Blondes made her a sweet and ditzy star, everyone wanted her hair. Her marriage to a baseball star made the nation OBSESSED. Anna Nicole marries an octogenarian and much eye rolling follows. Trimspa and "E!" sure have changed our world.

Well. She's gone. Now all we've got is Jessica Simp-lookslikeatransvestive-son. Great. THANKS, GOD.

So, Rest In Peace, Anna Nicole. The world pretty much agrees, we'd rather have seen Paris Hilton get hit by a bus and dragged forty feet. Say hi to Ms. Baker Monroe DiMaggio Miller. You guys definitely have some AWESOME stories to trade.